The Practice of Non-Practice

'It is important to do what you don't know how to do. It is important to see your skills as keeping ...you from learning what is deepest and most mysterious. If you know how to focus, unfocus. If your tendency is to make sense out of chaos, start chaos.' - Carlos Casteneda

I have been thinking recently about my brain being worn out - particularly my left hemisphere. I worked it so hard, for so long, that I think it's just taking a really long break to recover! Thus, my right hemisphere was soundly neglected during, well, the entire first half of my life. I fondly remember revelling in academic study, wanting to be a student forever, looking forward to opening and running my own business, and simply enjoying "smartness." I honestly think I wore out my brain. I have long thought there was a struggle between the two hemispheres, but since the Left was slightly stronger it always won: suppressing full engagement with artistic pursuits and paths, leaning towards practical goals. Now my Right brain is cheerfully taking over, liberating me from structure and goal-oriented concerns - I'm finding myself in a very interesting place! 

I'm newly appreciating having such a diversity of pursuits and interests in my life. I am working on several part-time jobs/income sources, devoting myself to very regular yoga practice and a vegan diet, and moving closer to creating my own artwork. These things all hold much more equal weight than in the past. I am looking forward to rebuilding my life around these elements, and to eliminating the multiple personalities required by success in the art gallery business. Not even multiple - I have felt for 10+ years that I had to forego my true personal inclinations and become whatever was expected of me by my clients and artists. Above and beyond a professional persona, I felt I was required to be quite a different person, and live my life a different way, than I was naturally inclined to. Distressing. 


As I move forward in life, I am trying to rebuild myself as Myself, eliminate all that is not Me: people, objects, pursuits.... and am truly enjoying this freedom. I hope that I am building a foundation that will not waver when other people and jobs enter my life, but instead will add them to the pyramid that I am building as supportive elements, complimentary pieces. I suppose it takes 40 years to come to this point, and I'm grateful to live in an era when I have the luxury of time and resources to so decadently figure out my path. 


The Casteneda quote was on facebook. I related to the idea of knowledge, practice, pursuits getting in the way of living. Two days after reading it, my yoga teacher talked about to practice yoga is to not practice, it is more about being and doing, day by day. Again, the universe sending me ideas repeatedly until I start to let them seep into my head.

The universe has also sent me some other interesting things this week. It has been a time of "be careful what you wish for," which I think is a wonderful, classic lesson we have to learn again and again. I have begun planning to move from Arizona, now that many of my ties have been released (business, relationship). It really is quite daunting to have the option to move wherever in the country I want to, and though I'm pretty well settled on my destination I have been in no hurry to bounce myself out of here; a casual two years of thinking, preparing, researching seemed quite pleasantly reasonable! Then,  I asked for some direction as to my path, some clarity, and was quickly presented with a situation that may compell me to move in as little as six months. Six months!!!! I think the universe just gave me a big kick in the pants!!! And honestly, I can't deny that I need it. OK. 6 months. Here we go! I love a deadline without a safety net!!!!!